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Indian in South Africa

 

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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

********************************************************

Teacher: Ek din aisa ayega,
jab prithvi par chaaro aur paani hoga,
koi jeev jinda nahi rahega,
sabka vinash ho jayega...
.
.
.
.
.
Pappu: Madam us din tution aana hai kya?

***********************************************

बचपन के क्रिकेट रूल्स :-
आठ
ईंटो की विकिट होगी ।……
€ पहली ट्राई बॉल होगी।……
€ जो बाउंडरि से बाहर बॉल फेकेगा;वो खुद
वापस लेके आएगा।……
€बैटिंग टीम अम्प्यारिंग करेगा।……
£ दिवार को डायरेक्ट लगा तो सिक्स;बॉल
बाहर गयी तो आउट।……
¢ आखरी बैट्समैन अकेला बैटिंग कर सकता है।.……
€ जो बिच में गेम छोडेगा;उसे कल
नहीं खिलायेंगे……
€ जो बाहर बॉल फेखेगा;खुद
लायेगा;नहीं मिली तो खरीद कर
लायेगा।……
€ छोटे बच्चे सिर्फ fielding करगे;उनको लास्ट में
खिलाएगे।……
जब अन्धेरा हो जायेगा तो बॉल स्लो कराई
जाएगी।…………
€ दिवार को लग कर केच हुआ तो"नोट आउट"......
* तीन बॉल लगातार वाइड कि तो ऑवर
कैन्सिल...........
* जो जितेगा वो अगली बार पहले बैटिंग
करेगा......
* कीपर अगर आगे से पकडेगा तो आउट
नही होगा no बॉल होगी......
* बैटिंग नही आई तो no फिल्डींग ......
@ तीन बॉल से ज्यादा पर रन
नही बना तो रिटायर
* अगर ऍम्पायर की बात
नहीं मानी तो देखने
वाले का फैसला अंतिम होगा
* मैच के दौरान अगर घर से बुलावा आ
गया तो जा सके है
पारी नहीं कटेगी
* जिसका बैट होगा ओपनिंग वही करेगा

*********************************************************************

Alia bhatt: Hey dad, what plans for weekend ?
Mahesh bhatt: Income Tax Returns
Alia bhatt: Hey first part kab release hua tha?
Mahesh bhatt: jaa meri ma, tu shooting pe jaa!!!

************************************************

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"


******************************************************
सोनू ने मोनू को फोन मिलाया-
सोनू: भाई कैसा है?
मोनू: मस्त हूं... तू बता।
सोनू: मैं भी मस्त... यार एक काम था।
मोनू: हां, तो सारे काम कर ले, फिर बात करते हैं।

****************************
लड़की: इतने बेदर्द न बनो, इतना प्यार करने वाला तुम्हें पूरी दुनिया में कोई नहीं मिलेगा।
लड़का: क्या तुम मुझसे सच में इतना प्यार करती हो?
लडकी: हां, आजमाकर तो देखो। मैं तुम्हारे लिए कुछ भी कर सकती हूं।
लड़का: सच?
लड़की: हां
लड़का: चल फिर 47 का पहाड़ा सुना फटाफट।

********************************************
दो आदमी बात कर रहे थे।
पहला : आज सुबह के अखबार में मुझे एक पैम्फ्लिट मिला। उसमें लिखा था, 'क्या आप शराबी हैं? तुरंत हमें संपर्क करें, हम आपकी मदद करेंगे।'
दूसरा : तो क्या तुमने फोन किया?
पहला : हां, मेरी बीवी मेरे पीछे पड़ गई कि फोन करो।
दूसरा : फिर क्या हुआ?
पहला : मैंने कॉल किया तो पता चला कि वो एक शराब की दुकान का ऑफर था, 'दो बोतल के साथ एक बोतल फ्री' । मेरे तो खुशी के आंसू निकल गए।

************************************
एक बार एक पंजाबी कुएं में गिर गया।
एक हरियाणवी वहां से गुजरा। आवाज आने पर उसने पूछा, 'कौंण सै भाई?'
पंजाबी: अस्सी हां।
हरियाणवी: भाई, एक-दो होते तो काढ़ देते। अस्सियां नै कौंण काढ़ैगा। पड़ा रै भीतर।
**************************************************************

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "We need the eggs."

*****************************
A little girl and her mother are at chuch when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

******************

A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa hanged himself in the living room!"
His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she says, "Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?!"
"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the basement."

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Blondes Blow It

Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

**********************************
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*********************

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

*************

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

***********************
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
**************************

 

Wife isn't in the car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
********************************************
Jump out of the plane
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
********************************************************
Doctors meeting
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

****************************************************
What's on your back?
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

*************************************************
Texan farmer travels
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
************************************************

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

*************************************************************

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

****************************************************

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

**********************************************************
 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

**********************************************

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

****************************************************

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"
She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.
"You're right sir I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

******************************************************

 A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.
After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.
"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."
*********************************************************************

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

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Q: Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
A: His daddy was really a mummy.

***************************************************************************

Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyway."

*********************************************

The child and his mother:
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grand mother has only grey hairs on her head.”
******************************************

In a ” Mental Hospital ” a journalist asked the Doctor:
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not ??
Dr: Well, We’d fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the BathTub…
Journalist: Oh, Obviously a normal person would use d bucket bcoz its bigger…
.
.
Dr: ” No, A normal person would pull d drain plug !!
Please go to bed No.36; We will start further investigations”
You also thought that normal person will use a bucket…. Now please go to bed no. 37

********************************************

A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.

********************************************
 

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

******************************************

Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the office. Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times when the work force is being trimmed.

"Knock knock."
Employee: "Who's there?"
Boss: "Not you anymore."
*********************************************

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

******************************************

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead.

****************************************

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"After three months sir."

*******************************************************

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

********************************************

A lady tells to the nurse at the maternity hospital:
- I think I will call my little newborn Anna.
Doctor:
- Sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her Anna532 or Anna_153.
 

****************************************************

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
********************************************

A mother walked into her son's room and said cheerfully, "Up. Up. It's time to go to school."

The son replied, "I don't want to go to school."
"You have to go," the mother said.
"I hate that school. The kids are mean and rotten."
"You still have to go, " exclaimed the mother.
"It's like jungle. One fight after another. They threaten me at least 100 times a day!" cried the son.
"You have to go to school!!"
"Why must I go?" pleaded the son.
"Because," replied the mother, "You are the principal!"

********************************************

TEACHER:  "Here is a math problem.  If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what would she have?"
STUDENT: "A heart attack."

****************************************

Teacher: "What is the purpose of having school?"
Student: Without school there wouldn't be a reason for 
holidays and summer vacation.

*******************************************

संता की बेइतबारी!

एक बार संता और बंता, किसी बियर बार में बियर पीने गये। जब वह पीने लगे तो बंता बोला, "लगता है बाहर बारिश हो रही है। तुम ऐसा करो घर जाकर जल्दी से छतरी ले आओ।"

संता गुर्राया: मुझे पता है मेरे जाने पर तुम मेरी सारी बियर पी जाओगे।

बंता ने उसे यकीन दिलाया कि वो उसकी बियर नहीं पियेगा। उसके हिस्से की बियर ज्यों की त्यों रखी रहेगी।

संता यह सुनकर मान गया और छतरी लेने चला गया।

जब रात गहराने लगी पर संता छतरी लेकर नहीं लौटा तो बंता ने सोचा शायद संता घर पर ही रुक गया है और अब नहीं आएगा। यही सोच कर उसने संता का बियर वाला गिलास उठाया ही था कि बार के एक कोने की छोटी सी खिड़की से तेज आवाज आई, "अगर पीओगे तो मैं छतरी लेने नहीं जाऊंगा।"

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An 8 yr. old was giving his kid brother some advice as the younger one was about to go off to school for the first time.
"Don't learn how to spell 'car', because if you do, after that the words just keep getting harder and harder.

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Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.


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Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.
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Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall: "Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
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Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.
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A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”


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The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”


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